its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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