is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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