i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
