I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
