HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she pinky promised me she was 18
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
