if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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