so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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