I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
