shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
