I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
