my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
