So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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