Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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