I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
