How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
