rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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