fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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