i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
