I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
