Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
