just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
