How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
