The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
