I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
