so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
