Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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