i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
