woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
