I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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