I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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