Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
