I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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