shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
