I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
