I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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