i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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