I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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