After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize