I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
