Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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