I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
