I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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