Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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