i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
