my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
