one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is it because I queefed?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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