Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
