After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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