allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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