So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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