3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
