I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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