he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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