I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
