god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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