Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
