I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
