help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
