I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
